I made a video talking about why I left Youtube abruptly in 2013. I intended to go into details of why I decided to come back, but I think that is something I can just spell out in writing.

Seems sudden, but I’ve been contemplating returning to youtube for about a year. I’ve realized that I’ve always had some sort of creative activity going on since I was a child (music, dancing, sports, writing, youtube.. you name it), and it’s only these past few years where I’ve dropped off of that path. I don’t think I was ever courageous or talented enough to pursue a completely creative field as a means of living, but it was always nice to have a creative outlet I could unwind in.

The small voice of returning to Youtube started to get louder as we entered the pandemic. I’m not hyperactive or super busy in real life, but the reduced commuting hours and time at the office freed up a lot of my headspace. Staying at home and spending a lot of time with myself started bringing up a lot of inspiration and a wealth of creative ideas. What really triggered my want to return to youtube was when my mom began her stay at my house in November 2020. While my dad wrapped up some of his business in Portland and Korea, my mom, who has been sick since 2007 and has progressively gotten worse over the years, would stay with me until early or mid-April. I thought during this time I should try to capture as many moments (film, photos) of my mom as much as possible. Time with my mom has always been a mixed bag of feelings. You don’t really think your parents will ever leave you, but with my mom and her illness people have always told me to ‘treasure my time with her’ because ‘this time could be the last time.’ Since she was staying with me for months, I thought ‘oh, why not.‘ Pulling out cameras and intentionally filming moments really brought back a lot of emotions and fun feelings I had buried behind my ‘need to have a normal 9-5 job and life’ mantra. Filming, thinking of situations, framing shots, storytelling was all FUN – a type of fun I didn’t even know I had missed so much. The act of creating something really ignited a lot of excitement in my life. So it got me thinking… why am I so afraid of my own channel I can’t even get myself to log in and check up on it? I’ve secretly wanted to come back.. but, why am I held back?

The biggest roadblock to a return was (obviously) me. Throughout most of my adult (and pre-adult) life, I’ve been preoccupied with worries of how other people might judge me. What others thought of me determined a lot of my life decisions. The mere thought of returning to Youtube would get me worried and anxious about what people might think of my character (which, in hindsight is silly, but my brain has been wired to overthink ridiculous scenarios like this). It took time to grow some thick skin and really disassociate myself from my worries or my demons, and I think I’m in the right mindset now. Nothing really concerns me anymore when it comes to Youtube. View count, subscriber count, competition, relevancy, the pressure of conformity, mean comments – everything that mattered so much to me back then seems a bit frivolous now. All I want to do is have fun, not stress out, and share storytelling and fun moments with others out there.

So, here I go again 🙂

Hopefully we can all find the time to just have fun again!

At this point, I can’t really promise a schedule or even what kind of structure I’ll take on. I feel like a newb – lost, wide-eyed, a bit puzzled, humbled, but also very excited about all the possibilities. I’m super stoked and I said views and whatnot don’t matter anymore, but if I had to force myself to put a number on my expectations (?), tbh even 500 views on a video will be a jaw-dropper for me. I don’t know how I used to be unhappy about 20K, 30K, 50K views. 500 is more than the max occupancy of the building I work in, haha. And to think that everyone in my building decided to take the time to click on a video I made…? Bananas!

Anyway, with the channel restored, I’ll fix up this blog (a lot of picture links broke when I migrated from Blogspot to WordPress), and hopefully, the blog could also revive itself. Also, I was thinking of privating all of my old videos, but since a lot of you have told me it takes you back in a certain time in your life, I’m thinking of just letting them exist as they are on the channel.

Thanks for reading!

Much love,

Catalina